AI Pitches Are Trash

I miss chain letters.

They terrified me. “Send this to 15 people or you’ll DIE.”

And even that was better than these AI pitches.

Have you noticed an absolute DELUGE of garbage? Inbox. Spam folder. LinkedIn, Insta, Facebook DMs.

I can’t help it. I need to interact with them… I need to understand…

How can they be so obviously AI? Is the robot-firehose approach working? And why do they keep ghosting me? 😅

Here are a few layers of AI from laziest to most-human… and all of them make me feel gross.

(#5 really gets my digital goat.)

#1 Hi <WRONGNAME>

Using a person’s name is powerful. (Just ask Rumpelstiltskin.)

That’s why marketers do it.

Hey <first name of customer>!

You left <item added to cart but not checked out within the last 5 hours> in your cart.

Check Out Now

If the message is 1) valuable to the reader 2) asked for and 3) correct — then it can be super effective.

But 1) Don’t use my name to spam me with nonsense.

2) If you’re a brand I’ve never heard of, this is the same as getting a phone call asking, “Is this Amy?” and I reply, like a TV mobster, “Who’s asking?” (Just kidding, I don’t answer random calls.)

A friend can use your name. A stranger out-of-the-blue? They better come bearing gifts.

I tried to think of a scenario where a stranger brings you a gift. A gift with your name on it that you HAVEN’T opted-in to.

Publisher’s Clearing House? You entered. The lottery? You bought and signed if you won. A friend-of-a-friend? They’d say “I know Bob!”

3) These were in my inbox:

Orange doodled art frame around a screenshot that says: Hello Words About Stuff Podcast Youtuber, Hope you’re doing well! I recently checked your channel and honestly, I see strong monetization potential. Your content is good, but with the right SEO + monetization strategy, your growth could be much faster…

Hey, now! Words About Stuff Podcast Youtuber was my father.

Blue doodled art frame around a screenshot that says: Hi Hosted, Your conversation with appearance on the Words was sharp. Getting that calibre of guest on the mic says a lot about Words About Stuff. What you’re building with Words About Stuff clearly resonates. The Society & Culture angle is specific enough to own.

I’m not even sure where these words got scrubbed from. Maybe instead of <Channel Name> they took <first part of channel owner’s name>? Like “Hosted by Amy the Copywriter”?

(If YOU want to listen to my AI-pitch-magnet of a podcast, it’s Words About Stuff on YouTube and Spotify. Apparently it’s both “sharp” and “specific”? I was going for “fun.” 😅)

Green doodled art frame around a screenshot that says: Hi collabs, hope you are doing well! You might have missed my previous message, so I’m sharing it again below.

This one is likely <beginning of email> sent to collabs@wordsaboutstuff.com.

If you spent even 5 seconds proofreading your AI pitch-bot’s output, you could fix this.

So I’m supposed to hire someone who doesn’t spend 5 seconds on the MOST IMPORTANT email they send…

#2 All Roads Lead to Calendly

No matter what I say… it’s “book a time to chat.”

Grey doodled art frame around a screenshot of a LinkedIn DM conversation that says:
REDACTED User says: Would 3-5 warm meetings per month be valuable to you right now?
Amy the Copywriter says: That depends on so many things! So if I didn’t need to use AI/pay a bunch of money to get them (and they’re cool people with cool businesses I can help), then yes!
REDACTED User says: Prefect, glad this caught your attention. We typically help businesses generate 5 to 7 qualified meetings per month with this system, fully tailored to their niche. Let’s jump on a quick call so I can show you exactly how it would apply to you. You can book a time here: Calendly Link.
Amy the Copywriter says: Sorry, I don’t do calls unless I already fully understand the pitch. So you don’t use AI? Your service costs how much? Ballpark or case study numbers are fine.
One Eternity Later…
REDACTED User says: I can definitely send something over, but to be honest, most of the value comes from showing how it applies specifically to your business. It’ll be much clearer in a call. You can book: Calendly Link.
Amy the Copywriter says: No thanks! (Reasons and questions above.)

I’m guessing this person makes money based on “number of meetings scheduled.”

Or they think if they get me on a call, they can social-pressure me into spending money.

They might be right!

People do get swept up in human connection. Workshops. Conferences. MLMs.

People buy-in more when there’s a crowd also buying in. Or a person making sad puppy dog eyes right at you. Or a *limited time deal.*

Don’t get me wrong, legitimate people use these same tactics (superpowers) for good.

But they also answer your questions if you ask them. And change their approach if you show hesitation. They’re flexible and caring and human.

#3 Me-Me-Meeeee

I’m not actually sure this one is AI. But it is wildly common.

Green doodled art frame around a screenshot of a LinkedIn DM conversation that says:
REDACTED User: Hey Amy, happy to connect. Saw your content and wanted to reach out. I’m REDACTED, I run a 7-figure email agency and I work with clients like REDACTED. I also coach email marketers who want to hit $5k-$25k/monthly - basically teaching the copy + tech + strategy that actually closes deals and fulfills. Just getting active on LinkedIn. Looking to connect with people who are actually doing the work. Keep crushing it, looking forward to seeing your stuff on my feed.
Amy the Copywriter: Nice to e-meet you, REDACTED! Sounds fun. What’s the biggest failure you had on your journey to 7-figures?

People like this never ask, “How was your day?”

They’re a megaphone personified. 📢 And megaphones don’t have ears.

This type of person creates this type of AI. Measuring wins by “how many people did I tell about me today?”

I thought they would reply when I asked about their favorite topic: them+results+their business.

But I must have hit a nerve. Or I didn’t reply with the right keyword.

Boom. Ghosted. 👻

(Or they use LinkedIn like I do and only remember to check DMs every 3 weeks.)

Either way, this type of outreach is more like a billboard than a conversation.

#4 Auto Timelines

Drip campaigns can be amazing. Important information sent out over time.

The Sale Starts in 3 Days: Pre-cart stuff you like > It’s 2 Days Away: Tell your friends and get an extra 5% off > The Sale is Now Now Now!

Valuable (to the audience). Timely. Correct.

And interactive.

If I unsubscribe, I don’t get the next email. If it’s reminding me about my next doctor’s appointment, I can confirm and avoid the next 5 reminders.

It doesn’t feel like someone throwing a ball rhythmically against a wall:

Orange doodled art frame around a screenshot of a LinkedIn DM conversation of someone sending 3 messages in a row. Two start with “Hi Amy” and “Dear Amy” and two are signed off like letters with “Warmly” and “Best.” The person is talking to themselves about things they know, then asks if Amy wants an introduction into their group. Amy the Copywriter asked why REDACTED thinks she would fit in with the group.

I especially love this one because this person (or robot) signs off like they’re writing an old-timey letter.

Is that to disarm me? A robot couldn’t possibly be so quirky!

Anyway, I’m still looking forward to our conversation. But I got ghosted again. 👻

#5 “Haha, You Got Me!”

This is a long one, but it’s worth it:

Spoiler Alert: Ghosted. 👻

Am I crazy?!

Should I be hiring the AI version of someone, so I can interact with the “real thing” later?

Maybe I’m Just Grumpy

Do these robots get results?

Are you seeing them everywhere?

Do you spend more brain-power replying to these bots than their owners spend creating them?

I know I should ignore them, but I can’t stop sending out a “tell me more about that” or “what exactly did you like about my work?”

Because there’s a sliver of hope that a person replies back.

A person who just happened to sound like AI (that sounds like a person it stole from).

I get it. People hate pitching. And these robots can send more emails/DMs in one hour than I’m willing to in a lifetime.

The numbers are undeniably there.

But just because you CAN send 10,000 cold pitches per day, doesn’t mean you should.

Welcome to Your Inbox. The Legion of Doom supervillains sitting in their council seats staring at you. All of their heads have been replaced by AI robot heads, but their bodies remain recognizable as supervillains like Gorilla Grodd, Giganta, Sinestro, and others.

Or at least don’t send them to me.

Thanks!

_{Words About Stuff by Amy the Copywriter | Art by RAD Studio}